A senior dials 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been
broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up
the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year
old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second
man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's knock off and have a beer."

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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later
she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the
bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To
get my teeth!"

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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a
minute and says, "Close enough."

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a
long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the
401. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"