THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

 1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
 and a laxative on the same night.

  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
 the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve,
 its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
 illness."

  4. People who want to share their religious views with you
 almost never want you to share yours with them.

  5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all
 of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
 He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV
 with a bad hairstyle.

  6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

  7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take
 it too seriously.

  8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
 one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to
 take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

  9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

  10. Never lick a steak knife.

  11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

  12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

  13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
 compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
 suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see
 an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
 people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
 age eleven.

  16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
 gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
 that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
 drivers.

  17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
 annoy people who are not in them.

  18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not
 a nice person.

  19. Your friends love you anyway.